People pleasers’ are addicts of their own breed.
At the start of writing this week’s blog the less considerate side of me wanted to only write “JUST SAY NO;” rarely is it that easy for people though. It also gave me Nike “JUST DO IT” and “say no to drugs, kids” vibes, and this is not about that. Hah.
Also, how do you even begin to cover the topic of overcoming “people pleasing” in one blog post? You don’t.
We’re going to be talking about this over the next few weeks.
I’m not sure why there is even an inconsiderate side of me to this, it took me 27 years to start saying no. I, of all people pleasing characters, know how hard it is to overcome the fear of disappointing a friend or family member. Here’s the thing. . . .
You don’t control their feelings, they do. If they only love you based on your service to them, then they don’t love you. I know that somewhere along the way you were taught differently; I’m so sorry you learned that behavior, because it most likely means love wasn’t freely offered to you growing up.
I know and understand that pain well. The love that should occur between parent and child was clouded over by addiction in my home. Love wasn't something I experienced naturally.
My mother chose to deal with her traumas by using. She couldn’t face reality, so she found momentary ways to escape it. Unfortunately, for both her and us, that meant leaving her children behind in it.
If you’ve witnessed someone you love become addicted to hard drugs, then you’ve also seen them sacrifice everything important for their next fix. All of their possessions, all the people who love them, and even worse all of their morals.
When I was 17 and lived with my dad, I got my license. I would drive over and pick my mother up, we’d hang like best friends. Things would be good, and then she’d ask me if I could take her to her friends’ place really quickly because she just had to grab something. The problem was we lived in a small town, I knew who the “friend” was and I knew that she was grabbing her next fix. And so I would say no. Everytime I said no to her, like a toxic best friend she’d flip her switch. Think of the worst things you could ever say to another human being, and she’d say them to her daughter. I only had my mother’s “love” when I was supportive of her drug habit, of her vacating; and it’s been that way since I can remember.
SO, I guess this is a “say no to drugs, kids” blog as well.
“There is no love like a mother’s love.”
Before I had my own child, I scoffed at that idea; But now that I have my own child, I know how true it is. Someone once said,
“Having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body.”
That resonates, because the moment Max took his first breath my heart beat only for him. That is when I realized love is something that can be freely given, that there was nothing wrong with me, but that while under the influence my mother wasn’t able to give anything freely.
Because love, at its purest, is natural; it's freely given. Until you fully realize and accept that, you will continue to sacrifice yourself in the pursuit of it. In truth, we people pleasers are an addict of our own breed. . always sacrificing our boundaries, our wants, and our needs for the next fix of conditional love. Just like an addict's high won’t last, neither will that love for us.
Once you start saying no, you’ll start learning about what sets your soul on fire. You’ll start learning how to love yourself. With that will come another set of challenges, and that’s next week’s blog!
